My experiences of Sai are different from many here - it is quite strange.
On my first visit to PP eleven years ago - Sai called me by my first name. (Yet, no one
had given it to him.) He knew my name, he knew when I was ill - when I was well. There was
nothing he didn't know about me.
During the years he brought to the surface all my fears - especially my fears of
rejection. He certainly seemed capable of reading my unopened letters.
At the time he gave me much guidance that I never acted upon, today I am a lot sadder
person because I chose to ignored it.
What is plain to me now - when I look back, is that he has changed. He no longer uses his
powerful attraction to keep us with him. The once intense love and peace most of us felt
for him a few years ago, has all but disappeared. It's just like a light switch has been
turned off.
The deep feelings of love are not even in the ashram - not as before.
Until one year ago, I remember feeling a deep love for Sai - absolutely complete and
entire - but then it disappeared. Now I feel hardly any love at all.
His photo that had once meant so much to me, and my means of praying to him; now has
become dead and lifeless. Its intimate and personal joy has fanished.
I don't believe I just fell out of love with Sai - I believe that there has been a shift
with him - that many of us are not in his aura anymore, therefore, unmoved by him. We have
been 'let loose' and what we feel now is our own limited expansion or viewpoint of what is
true.
I doubt if ever I will feel such a love again - not like the love I felt for Sai.
I remember Sai saying
"that no one can visit him without his permission" or was it, "not even
wild horses could bring us to him without his consent" - I still believe our visits
were pre-ordained in some way and that what we felt for Sai was his reflection of what he
felt for us.
Now it is gone.
|
